How to improve the relationship between parents and children 如何改善父母和青少年的关系 Adolescent 青少年 Growthchange 青少年成长变化
Posted on Thursday, 13 October 2016
FAMILY DYNAMICS 家庭动力
- Triangulation used to express a situation in which one family member will not communicate directly with another family member, but will only communicate with a third family member, forcing the third family member to be part of the triangle.
三角关系通常用来表达一种情况，即一个家庭的成员将不会与另一个家庭成 连接，而只会通过第三个家庭成员沟通，这样会形成 第三个家庭成员成为三角关系的一部分。
- The first triad usually form between mum , Dad & the child first triad relationship in a child’s life. Its begins immediately after the first minutes when he is born.
- 第一个三角关系会形式通常围绕在妈妈，爸爸和孩子身上。从他出生的第一分钟开始，这一切就发生了。
The first triad relationship in life starts from the family origin 第一个社会形式从家庭图开始:-
FAMILY DYNAMICS (TRIANGULATION )
家庭动力（三人关系表）
- In the family triangulation system the third person can either be used as a substitute for direct communication or can be used as a messenger to carry the communication to the main party.
在一个家庭三人关系表中，第三者可用作为直接沟通代替者或作为使者来进行沟通的主要桥梁。
- Commonly family triangles include a child & its parents, 2 children & 1 parent , a parent , a child & a grandparent , 3 sibling or husband ,wife & in-law.
通常，家庭三人关系图包括其父母和一个孩子，两名儿童和一名家长，父母，孩子与祖父母，三兄弟或丈夫，妻子以及媳妇。
Case study : – Triangular relationship 案例学习
- In a dysfunctional family in which there is a alcoholic father present, the non –drinking mother will go to a child & express dissatisfaction with the drinking husband, the child go to the alcoholic father , relaying what they were told because the parents did not communicating directly with each other, they utilize a third party (Child). This is because it is unsafe to go directly to the person & discuss the concerns, particularly if they are alcoholic or abusive.
在一不个正常的家庭中有一个染上酒瘾的父亲以及一个不喝酒的母亲。母亲会通过孩子来表达对丈夫酗酒的不满。孩子向父亲传达母亲对父亲的不满。因为父母不直接沟通，所以他们利用第三者（孩子）来沟通。这是因为直接向对方表示或反映不满，他们的自身会很不安全，特别是如果对方会酗酒或虐待他人。
THE CHILD RELATIONSHIP WITH PARENTS & SIBILING
孩子与父母及兄弟姊妹的亲子关系
- Parents’ bad relationship will affect child – in his security level, intimacy & responsibility level.
父母的关系不好会影响孩子 – 他的安全，亲密度和责任感。
- Child neglected or receive no love from parents, the child will be affect – child self, self value, don’t know how to love others in future.
儿童被忽略以及得不到父母的爱，会影响孩子 – 孩子的自我，自我价值，在未来期间不懂得爱他人。
- Brothers & sisters having very poor relationship – will affect the child. No trust on others, difficult in making friendship, don’t know how to fight for his right.
与兄弟姊妹的关系非常差 – 会影响孩子。没有建立对他人的信任，在建立友情是面对困难，不知如何争取自己的权利。
CONGRUENCE IN COMMUNICATION
一致沟通
- When a mother is open and congruent, the child feels comfortable in making contact and tells the truth
当一个母亲是用开放与一致的话，孩子会感到舒适地与母亲接触以及对母亲说出真话
- The opposite position with no trust , child will run away.
相反的，如果失去了信任，孩子们就会离开
FAMILY ORIGIN MAP 原生家庭图
- Coping stance 应对模式 – Conflict between people with different coping stance Relationship line – close/normal ______ ,distance————, enmeshed ^^^^^^^^^^ , stormy/hostile _____ .
不同关系模式的冲突—正常________,疏远———，纠缠不清^^^^^^^^^^,激烈的冲突 .
- +ve adjective – competent, responsible
正面的行为 – 有能力，有责任感
- -ve adjective – demanding , irresponsible
面的行为 – 过度要求，毫无责任感
- Lies/Dislikes – Can cause conflict
欺瞒/不满 – 可以造成冲突
- Hobbies – Unsuitable hobbies may cause undue stress.
嗜好 – 不适合自己的嗜好可以引发不必要的压力
- Profession – Certain jobs may complicate family dynamics like jobs with irregular working hours.
工作范围 – 不固定的工作时间可造成复杂的家庭动力
- Educational background – Different educational backgrounds within the same family may cause conflict especially when comes to husband & wife.
教育背景 – 不同的教育程度可造成不必要的家庭冲突
- Our family of origin is the most important place of learning about the world & ourselves before the age of 18. From our families, we learn what we should hold as important & how we should behave. We learn value from our families .
在18岁以前，家庭图重于学习及了解自我与世界。
通过家庭图，我们可以学习如何培养好的行为。透过家庭图，我们也可以学习如何珍惜我们的家人。
- These are things that our families teach us are very important & which raise our self-esteem as they resonate with our inner self. These value allow us to expand our definition of ourselves in positive ways.
这可以提高我们的自尊心，重拾自我。这也可以让我们开拓我们正面的思想与行为。
SURVIVAL COPING STANCES IN FAMILY
应对家庭生存模式
Demo 示范 :-
- Dad 爸爸 – IR
- Mum 妈妈–SR
- Child 孩子– BM
- Survival stances are likewise a precarious balance between self-expression & self-repression. Self expression move us toward the healthy goal of wholeness. Our rules & beliefs – “should” & “should not” can counteract this by limiting what we allow ourselves to sense & to say. This is how our survival stances protect us . Ultimately every one’s basic yearning is to love & be loved.
生存模式指的是不平衡的自我表达和自我压抑。自我表达将驱使我们迈向健康的目标。通过思维与言语限制，我们的规则与信念 – “应该”和“不应该” 将可以相互对抗，相互平衡。最终每个人的基本诉求，就是爱别人与被别人爱。
There are 4 major types of survival coping stances in all families
在应对所有家庭的生存的模式，最主要有4种:-
- Placating 讨好
- Blaming 责备或指责
- Super reasonable 超理智
- Irrelevant 打岔
1) Placating 讨好:-
- Always apologizing & make others happy with low self esteem.
总向别人道歉，利用低自尊心好让别人开心。
- Dependent, mood swing & may lead suicidal tendencies.
依赖别人，心情摇摆不定，可能会导致有自杀倾向
- Overly nice to others ,out of touch with self.
过于善待他人，脱离了自我。
- Lack of confidence & self-worth.
缺乏自信和自我价值。
- Suppress anger, hurt , sadness.
压制愤怒，伤心，悲伤。
2) Blaming 责备或指责 :-
- Always like to find fault, controlling, criticizing, judging, yelling & blaming on others.
喜欢到处找碴，控制，批评，鉴定，叫嚷和指责他人。
- Out of touch with self, only focus on expectation of others.
脱离自我，只注重对别人的期望。
- Unsuccessful & violent.
不成功和施暴。
- Anger, frustration & fear of losing control.
愤怒，沮丧和害怕失去控制。
3) Super reasonable 超理智 :-
- Serious, rigid & cold looking always like to give advice.
认真，刚强和拥有冷酷的外表，总是想提供意见
- Lack of empathy.
缺乏同理心
- Lonely, empty, fear of losing control & live in isolation.
孤独，空虚， 害怕失去控制和自我隔离
- Lack of confidence
缺乏信心
4) Irrelevant 不理会或打岔:-
- Restless & superficial or silly
焦躁不安或表面化，愚昧
- Empty & confusion
空虚和混乱
- No sense of belonging
没有被认同的感觉
- Nobody cares
无人理会
- Out of touch with self
脱离自我
- Poor impulse control
没有控制冲动的能力
FAMILY RULES 家庭规则
The impact of family rules that affect our today ‘s life :-
家庭规则的影响
- Sex is bad 性关系是不好的
- Always being nice 总对人家好
- ‘Mother worries , so be good’ 母亲会担心，所以要变好
- Don’t show off 不炫耀
- Don’t show your feeling 不要显露感受
- Must obey 必须服从
- Never make mistake 不要犯错
When our parents teach us these family rules, they have a positive intention of trying to help us in some way to survive in the world.
当我们的父母教导我们家规时，他们试图帮助我们积极地生存在这世界上。
FAMILY BELIEF 家庭信仰
Inner conflict 内心冲突 :-
- Women can’t divorce her husband
妇女不能与丈夫离婚
- Women can’t lead during family’s meetings
妇女不能主持家庭会议
CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE 影响圈子
- The circle of influence chart shows every person who influence the patient intellectually, emotionally or physically during childhood & adolescence.
影响圈子图展示了每个人互动上，情绪上或生理上对病患者的影响
- The person can be easily influenced by father, mother, grandparents ,brother ,sister, friends, dog. During his life span.
在他生活期间，它很容易被父亲，母亲，祖父母，哥哥，姐姐，朋友或宠物影响他的一生。
TRANSFORMING FAMILY DYNAMICS
转化家庭动力学
Case study 案例学习 :-
- Change in yearning
渴望改变
- Change in self level
自我水平改变
- Change in context
环境改变:-
- Behavior ,feeling , feeling of feeling , expectation & perception are in the context.
行为，观感，感受，期望归纳在环境改变里
- Congruence communication in the family.
在家中的一致沟通
- Congruence in self, others & context.
自我，他人以及环境必须要一致
SEPARATION ANXIETY DISORDER
分离焦虑症
- Work on yearning 渴望的工作:-
- Yearning not satisfied 自身的渴望不被满足
- Due to childhood insecure attachment. 儿童时期不安全的过度依赖性
- Adult not happy with the marriage but can’t walk out because he thinks he will collapse after leaving home. He is emotionally vary unstable . He yearns for independent. Therefore there is a need to detach gently but with determination as well.
成人拥有不幸福的婚姻，但他们不能一走了之，因为他认为他在一走了之之后会崩溃。他的情绪会变得不稳定。他渴望独立。因此他必须要温和而果断地解决这段婚姻。
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCE?
什么是过度依赖？
- In terms of Family Dynamics, codependency is when an person who is dependant on another family member at the expense of his or her well being. This is also known as ‘relationship addiction’.
在家庭动力学方面过度依赖是当一个人过度依赖于其他家庭成员，在牺牲他们的幸福。这也被称为‘过度依赖关系成瘾’
- An example of codependency is when a wife can’t leave an abusive husband, not because she still loves him but she is dependent on the relationship.
例如，当妻子不能离开虐待她的丈夫，不是因为她爱他，而是她正在过度依赖着这一段关系而不是她的丈夫。
CODEPENDENCE DISORDER
过度依赖障碍
- Emotionally codependent 情绪过度依赖
- Physically codependent 生理过度依赖
- Relationship codependent 关系过度依赖
- Codependence = Home 过度依赖家庭
CODEPENDENCE – WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOM?
过度依赖的症状是什么？
- Controlling behavior 控制行为
- Distrust 怀疑
- Perfectionism 完美主义
- Caretaking behavior 过度喜欢照顾别人
CODEPENDENCE – WHAT CAUSE IT?
什么造成过度依赖？
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life.
在一个家庭里，有许多的规则。这些规则会压迫以及影响一个人的自尊心发展和他的面对方式。结果，孩子们会培养出毫无帮助的举止和态度，问题解决的技巧，和以后面对成人生活问题。
Family rules 家庭规则 :-
- It’s not okay to talk about problems
回避问题
- Feeling should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
不应该公开表示感受，
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
不直接的沟通是最好的，第三者成为第一和第二方的中间人，名为三角关系
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
自我中心
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
超越现实的期望，使自己感到自豪
- Don’t be selfish
不自私
- Do as I say, not as I do
不口是心非
- It’s not okay to play or be playful
好玩是不好的
- Don’t rock the boat
不破釜沉舟
HOW TO TREAT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?（如何治疗不正常的家庭）
Psychotherapy :-
- FAMILY THERAPY（家庭治疗）
Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy that involves all members of a nuclear or extended family. This approach regards the family , as a whole , as the unit of treatment & emphasizes such factor as relationship & communication pattern rather than traits or symptoms in individual members.
家庭治疗是心理治疗方式，涉及大家庭中心的所有成员。这种方法对于家庭，作为一个整体，作为处理及重点单位，关系和特征，而不是个别成员或症状的沟通模式等因素。
- The family therapist will help to reconstruct the dysfunctional families . This concept is used to explain the intergenerational transmission of attitudes, problems, behavior & other issue.
家庭治疗师将有助于重建不正常的家庭。这个概念是用来解释家庭成员态度，问题，行为及其他问题代代相传。
- Family therapy is based on the belief that family is a unique social system with its own structure & patterns of communication.
家庭治疗是基于家庭的信仰，是一个拥用自己独特的结构和通信模式的社会制度。
- These pattern include the parents’ beliefs & values, the personalities of all family members & influence of the extended family ( Grandparents ,aunts & uncle) which is powerful & affect all of its members.
这些模式包括父母的信念和价值观，所有家庭成员及大家庭的影响人物（祖父母，阿姨和叔叔），这是强大和影响其所有成员。
Family therapy is based on the following concept
家庭治疗是基于以下几个概念 :-
- Illness in one family member may be a symptom of a large family problem. If the person with the illness is treated but the family is not , another member of the family will become ill. This cycle will continue until problems are examined & treated.
在一个家庭成员生病，可能是一个大家族问题的症状。如果与疾病的人治疗，但另一位家庭成员也生病。这个循环将继续下去。
- Any change in one member of the family affects both the family structure & each member individually.
任何一个家庭成员的变化将影响到家庭结构和每个成员。
- The family therapist who use the family system model in CARING for people always consider the whole family. They view any problem in one member as a symptom of change or conflict in the group. 家庭治疗师在他用关心群众生活，家庭制度的模型总是考虑整个家庭。不要在他们一个成员作为一个人的变革会有团体冲突问题。
- During therapy session, the family’s strengths are used to help their problem. All members take responsibility for problems. Some may need to change their behavior. 在治疗期间，会议，家庭的力量是用来帮助他们的问题。所有成员都承担问题的责任。有些人可能需要改变它们的行为。
FAMILY THERAPY-WHAT TO EXPECT TREATMENT ?家庭治疗–如何治疗？
- People who participate in family therapy session learn more about themselves & about how their family functions.
参与家庭治疗的人将会了解到自己家庭的模式和运作。
- Anyone who has a condition that interferes with his/her life & the lives of family members may benefit from family therapy . Usually, the better the family functions, the lower the stress level for the person with health problem.
任何一个条件，谁拥有他/她的生活及家庭成员的人生可能会受益于家庭治. 通常情况下，家庭功能会越好，人与健康问题会也好的。
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